For the past few weeks, I have felt suspended in time, suspended somewhere between the past year, and whatever may come.

I know there are a lot of things happening right now that I don't see, and I try to take comfort in this fact, but the waiting is irrefutably wearing me down.  I often find myself wondering if I will forever be frozen in this state of transition, forever feeling as though I am in overdrive, preparing for something that may never happen.

I suppose I should be using this period of time better, exercising more, and learning various things that I may need to know, but I even though part of me knows beyond any doubt that this will happen, there is still so much of me that is in denial, so much of me that just wants everything to be "normal."

Either this will happen, or it wont.  How do I prepare myself to face the two extremes of that?  I have to fully focus on preparing for one, but what if that outcome is the one that doesn't happen?  Then I am left blundering through the one that I was unprepared for.

I see this image in my head, one that has just recently fleshed itself out, and I can't see anything besides that actually happening.  It is this outcome that scares me the most, the one I should be preparing for the most, the one that will take everything I have.  I should trust this instinct that I have become so aware of this past year, but it is this terrifying outcome that it is telling me to prepare for, and because it is the one outcome I don't want, I try to pretend as though I don't have a feeling about this at all.

Yet another fork in this river of my life, another choice that I must make.  You would think by now I would have learned from the past, and would make my decision before I crash, instead of trying to stave off the inevitable. 

Now is truly the time to decide.

I should listen to myself.